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Articles by DIana Beechener

No competition for the Greatest Story Ever Told

After Cain murdered Abel, humanity fell into two factions: the sons of Cain and the sons of Seth. Marked by his misdeeds, Cain’s descendants are greedy and base. They’ve traded their faith in the creator for a life of sin. Lead by the ruthless Tubal-cain (Ray Winstone: Lords of London), the people of Cain have built industrial cities and violated Earth.
    Seth’s descendants have taken a nobler path, living off the land, taking only what they need and upholding the rules of God. Their path is righteous, but it’s not very successful. Tubal-cain and his men have killed the sons of Seth, ensuring that goodness dies with them.
    Or so the evil king thought. Surviving is one last heir, Noah (Russell Crowe: Winter’s Tale), who has lived in hiding after witnessing the murder of his father. Over the years, Noah has built up a family and lived as the creator dictated. His fealty is rewarded with a vision: God will send a great flood to the world, killing all impure life. Noah’s job is to build a vessel and save innocent life from destruction.
    Over 10 years, Noah and his family construct an ark as animals arrive two by two. But the grand migration of fowls and beasts attracts the attention of Tubal-cain, who is on the lookout for land that isn’t ash. On finding the ark, Tubal-cain organizes an army to take it before the water rises.
    Part environmental parable, part Bible story and part bizarre fantasy epic, Noah is a confused, beautiful mess. Don’t expect the Sunday school story that you remember. Director Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan) gives us stunning visuals and a mixed up story. He has more good ideas than time — or ability — to explore them. The environmental story he begins is forgotten halfway in for CGI technology. Thus Aronofsky falls under the spell of The Watchers, angels who fell to Earth and were punished by having their angelic form covered with rock and molten mud. Neither impressive to look at nor interesting as characters, The Watchers are silly creatures of the type you might enjoy in Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter.
    When Noah pauses from spectacle, it offers some great acting. Crowe — who’s had a questionable run of late — is amazing as a devoted prophet. He imbues Noah with an intensity that teeters on the edge of insanity. As his foil, Winstone’s Tubal-cain believes he is as powerful as God, able to give or take life as he sees fit.
    If you’re interested in a few scenes of interesting Biblical debate or in considering how far computer-rendering technology has come, Noah is worth the price of admission. If you’re looking for deeper meaning, skip a film that wades in shallow waters.

Fair Fantasy • PG-13 • 138 mins.

A delightfully demented tale of murder, theft and the service industry

As the concierge of The Grand Budapest Hotel, M. Gustave (Ralph Fiennes: The Invisible Woman) believes in offering his guests the best service. In the case of wealthy older women, Gustave’s services include wine, candlelight dinners and himself. The women get a boost in confidence; Gustave gets cash and returning customers.
    Among the hotel staff, Gustave is a legend. Suave, mysterious and unflappable, he runs the hotel with an uncompromising commitment to its patrons. He recites romantic poetry at staff dinners, insists on high standards of conduct for his subordinates, bathes in his favorite cologne and is involved in even the minute details of daily life at the Grand Budapest. This dashing figure enchants Zero (Tony Revolori: Shameless), the hotel’s newest lobby boy. Never one to turn down a fawning admirer, Gustave takes Zero under his wing.
    When one of Gustave’s regular paramours, octogenarian Duchess, drops dead, Gustave and Zero travel to the funeral to pay respects. Hoping for a few thousand dollars from the will, Gustave instead is awarded a priceless painting. Her family is not pleased.
    Police are called, accusations are thrown and the Duchess is eventually discovered to have been poisoned. Son Dmitri (Adrien Brody: Third Person) frames Gustave and sends his henchman (Willem Dafoe: Out of the Furnace) for the painting.
    The Grand Budapest Hotel is a madcap comedy fusing dark violent themes with light quirky sensibilities. In director Wes Anderson’s (Moonrise Kingdom) quirky aesthetic, characters are notoriously nonplussed by the whirlwind of crazy events around them. A severed head is usually a gruesome sight. Put that head in a wicker picnic basket with a ribbon and some festive tissue paper, as Anderson does, and it becomes a macabre joke. Anderson’s sensibility isn’t for everyone, but his world of stylish lunacy is a refreshing change from typical fare.
    As the center of the film’s twisting narrative, Fiennes is a wonder to behold. Dapper even in prison rags and suave to a fault, he’s the Cary Grant of concierges. His manic energy is fascinating as he wrings every bit of charm out of a role that makes him a lecherous jerk.
    Supporting Fiennes is Anderson’s typical cast of character actors, including Bill Murray, Edward Norton, Jason Schwartzman and Adrian Brody. In small parts, each contributes to the controlled chaos. The standout is Dafoe, who manages to be utterly terrifying and hilarious as he murders his way through the movie.
    Funny, slightly gruesome but always entertaining, The Grand Budapest Hotel is a decadent treat.

Great Dramedy • R • 100 mins.

It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion

Based on the popular but story-bare video game series, Need for Speed follows racer and mechanic Tobey Marshall (Aaron Paul: Breaking Bad). A small-town racer trying to keep his father’s auto shop afloat in a tough economy, Tobey scrapes by winning local street racing competitions. But his monetary problems need a long-term solution.
    Along comes Dino Brewster (Dominic Cooper: Fleming), the small-town rich kid who made good. We know Dino is evil because he wears black and sneers at everybody.
    Dino challenges Tobey to a street race using supercars that aren’t street legal. When the race goes south, a friend is barbequed in a crash. Tobey tries to save his friend while Dino, who caused the accident, frames Tobey.
    After two years in prison, Tobey is back. How will he exact vengeance on the man who sent him to prison and caused a car wreck that killed his best friend? By racing him in another illegal street competition.
    Again, you don’t need to be smart to star in your own street-racing movie.
    Need for Speed is guilty of the cardinal action-movie sin: It’s boring. Races are dull, acting uninspired and story pathetic. It’s a failure on every possible level. Director Scott Waugh (Act of Valor) has a terrible sense of editing, and his rapid cuts drag out action sequence into mind-numbing eternity.
    A toddler with a set of Matchbox cars could have devised a more complex, plausible and compelling story than writers George and John Gatins.
    Paul emerged from Breaking Bad as one of television’s most promising actors. Here, he gives a performance worthy of a thesaurus of pejorative descriptors. If this performance is indicative of what he’s capable of on the big screen, he had better go running back to LA before pilot season ends.
    You don’t buy a ticket for a movie titled Need for Speed expecting tight plotting or even amazing acting. At best, you’re paying to see some exciting car chases, flashy cars and attractive actors. This one stalls at the gate, delivering boring race footage, terrible acting and a cast who seem to be counting the seconds until Waugh calls cut and puts them out of their misery. Mine continued for two hours and 12 minutes.

Abysmal Action • PG-13 • 132 mins.

You don’t have to be an artist to paint like a master — just a genius

Many have tried to copy Johannes Vermeer’s detailed and fascinating works, but it took a CEO from San Antonio with no artistic training to do it. An electrician and amateur inventor, Tim Jenison is the CEO of the wildly successful video technology company NewTek. He is not, however, a painter.
    Jenison was fascinated with the works of the 17th century painter. Vermeer was an oddity of his time because he didn’t sketch his paintings, instead working oil on canvas to achieve realistic images of Dutch domesticity. No documents survive to reveal Vermeer’s techniques; his process and the formulas for his paints are a mystery lost to the ages.
    To Jenison’s eye, Vermeer’s style resembled a compressed video image: reflecting true light values, showing single point focus and capturing amazing detail. Jenison theorized that Vermeer used a lens and camera obscura setup to get such realism. Using a small mirror and a technique he invented for matching shades, the untrained Jenison was able to create stunningly realistic paintings.
    So it was possible to paint using optics and mirrors. But did Vermeer do it that way?
    To test his theory, Jenison used his optics setup to recreate Vermeer’s The Music Lesson. This wasn’t simply a case of repainting a masterpiece; Jenison was out to prove that Vermeer could have used optics to achieve his results. Jenison visited Vermeer’s home, took measurements of his studio space and got to work.
    He recreated Vermeer’s studio, hiring experts to rebuild every stick of furniture, recreate the light that would have streamed through the windows and sew exact replicas of the clothing of the models. Jenison made his own lens, using techniques that would have been available in the 17th century, hand-polished the optics and learned how to hand-mix oil paints. With all the elements in place, it was time to test his hypothesis.
    A documentary that argues art and technology should be united instead of viewed as separate studies, Tim’s Vermeer is a tribute to inventive minds and determination. Directed by Teller (of magical duo Penn and Teller), the film is a joyful look at the dedication, obsession and ultimate triumph of Jenison and Vermeer. Narrated by Teller’s partner Penn Jillette, the film explores what makes an artist but finds no single answer.
    Capturing Jenison’s tenacity while giving the audience a hefty art history lesson, Teller manages to keep the film light and entertaining. He interviews all the right art historians to make his argument that Jenison’s methods are not only possible but probable.
    The real proof of Jenison’s thesis is his recreation of The Music Lesson. Teller painstakingly documents every exacting step Jenison takes to reach his goal. The commitment is part technology, part madness and all art.
    You’ll need to go to Baltimore or D.C. to catch this documentary, but it’s well worth the trip. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself buying a small mirror and some oil paints after you see it.

Great Documentary • PG-13 • 80 mins.

Liam Neeson texts with a terrorist in this silly but enjoyable drama

Bill Marks (Liam Neeson: The Lego Movie) needs a few belts of liquor before he goes to work in the morning. Marks is an air marshal entrusted with guarding passengers on international flights. He’s afraid of flying and desperate for another drink, but he tries to white-knuckle his way through.
    The one perk of the job is his seat: Apparently air marshals sit in first class and enjoy all the amenities. When his cell phone beeps mid-flight, he expects new orders from his boss. Instead it’s a text from a passenger threatening to kill one person on the plane every 20 minutes until a ransom of $150 million arrives.
    It might be a joke, but Marks has to be sure. He alerts the crew, sets his watch for 20 minutes and looks for who’s making the threats.
    The first body announces the 20-minute mark. Marks is convinced the threat is real, but TSA and Homeland Security suspect Marks himself. With only a flight attendant and fellow passenger to help him, Marks seeks to stop the killing and find the killer. But as he gets closer, the passengers begin to suspect his motives.
    Non-Stop is a ridiculous locked-room thriller with a tenuous grasp on physics and logic. Astoundingly, neither the breach of Newton’s laws nor facts keeps Non-Stop from being an entertaining film.
    Director Jaume Collet-Serra (Unknown) makes the most of the confined setting of the film. Every shot reminds you of just how small aircrafts can be, making the whodunit storyline tenser. Well-choreographed fights are staged in claustrophobic plane bathrooms, cabins and aisles.
    There are drawbacks to using text message exchanges to build tension. Texting is a passive form of communication, forcing you to read plot points with an autocorrect feature. It’s hard to make texting riveting, and the movie feels silly when Neeson grimaces at his phone, punching keys dramatically.
    As the man who kicked off the so called geri-action genre, Neeson is adept at making the ridiculous entertaining if not believable. Neeson is also a great brawler, rushing his opponents and throwing rapid, brutal punches. His dramatic training lets him give gravitas to even the silliest lines of dialog. Mark Wahlberg couldn’t get away with saying “I’m not hijacking this plane! I’m trying to save it!”
    This fun but mindless action would be great to catch on a plane.

Good Action • PG-13 • 106 mins.

The couple that kills together may not stay together

Thérèse (Elizabeth Olsen: Very Good Girls) had a tough childhood. Abandoned at her aunt’s home by her father, Thérèse was raised with her sickly cousin Camille (Tom Felton: From the Rough). Trained by her Aunt Raquin (Jessica Lange: American Horror Story) to be a nursemaid to spoiled rotten Camille, Thérèse escapes to dreams of Paris.
    When Camille decides he’s of an age to move to Paris and make a living like a grownup, Madame Raquin forces Thérèse to marry him. Her ploy not only keeps the family together but also ensures Camille’s inheritance of Thérèse’s secret fortune. Thérèse isn’t thrilled, but she’s an illegitimate daughter with no education. Her options are marriage or the streets.
    Just as Thérèse has resigned herself to a loveless and sexless marriage, she meets Laurent (Oscar Isaac: Inside Llewyn Davis), Camille’s artist coworker. The two begin a torrid affair. Life would be perfect if they could openly be together.
    Camille has to go. They plot his demise between trysts, but when it comes to the deed, they are infirm of purpose.
    Based on Emile Zola’s classic novel Thérèse Raquin, In Secret shares the original’s fascination with sex, guilt and obsession. Unfortunately, director Charlie Stratton (Revenge) is not Zola. Unlike Zola’s novel, which maps out themes of repression, sexual awakening and guilt, Stratton jumps from sex scenes to overwrought dramatic monologues. We don’t have time to develop sympathies, so it’s a long march through the plot.
    As the tragic lovers, Olsen and Isaac are oddly cast. Though they have decent chemistry, their acting styles clash with the story. They’re too loud and expressive for repressive 1867 France, where a woman’s transgressions could ruin her. Olsen seems especially lost, vacillating from vacancy to histrionics. Isaac is a charming seducer, but he can’t mine much substance from this shallowly written character.
    Lange makes the most of her underwritten role by gracefully chewing the scenery as Thérèse’s controlling aunt. She has recently reinvented herself as a Bette Davis-style crone, reveling in the grotesque. Here, she dials back the performance, portraying Aunt Raquin as a well-meaning woman who is so blinded by her devotion to a sick child that she neglects the other child in her care.
    In Secret does have a few good moments, especially when Stratton plays with the guilty couple’s minds. He also invites us to watch very pretty people having sex in beautifully lit montages.

Fair Drama • R • 101 mins.

A rare breed proves it’s still Best in Show

Whiskey was the first wire fox terrier to enter our home. He chased children and adults, pilfered food from the table and ripped the shingles off a hand-built doghouse — even after application of sour apple anti-chew spray. He could open coffee cans and drag leaded food dishes up flights of stairs. This miscreant pup was a terror on four legs.
    He barked, he dug and he obeyed only when convenient.
    After Whiskey, we couldn’t imagine owning another breed.
    Brilliant, insubordinate and hilarious, fox terriers were bred for fox hunting in 17th century England. Smooth and wire-haired terriers (considered the same breed until 1984) rode in pouches on the hunters’ horses until the prey was driven to ground. The terriers were then sent into the fox dens and yanked out by their tails, doomed fox clenched in their teeth.
    By the 1930s, wire fox terriers’ square heads, keen eyes and compact build earned them popularity with the glamorous set, in movies and on the arms of the rich and famous. Actors and heiresses weren’t the only ones smitten. Wire fox terriers have won 14 Best in Show titles at Westminster, more than any other breed. The breed got its latest win this year when five-year-old GCH Afterall Painting the Sky, aka Sky, took the Best in Show prize.
    Now that Sky has showed you that foxies are beautiful, loyal and full of personality, be warned that they aren’t the dog for the faint of heart. These usually bouncy and friendly terriers are too smart for lazy owners. Leave them alone for too long, they’ll empty your trash cans all over the floor. Yell at them, they’ll bark right back. Ignore them, and they’ll force your attention by leaping in your lap or snatching whatever you’re focused on. Mental stimulation and regular exercise are the barrier between you and a household of destroyed items.
    If, however, you can’t resist a dog that believes it’s intellectually superior to you, wire fox terriers are a great addition to your family. With a fox terrier in your house, you’ll have good bad dog stories enough for years.

What price do you put on art?

On the road to world domination, the Third Reich developed quite the taste for art. Looting the churches, museums and private collections of Europe, the Nazis amassed millions of paintings, sculptures and precious pieces of jewelry. Hitler intended to create a Fuhrer Museum and fill it with art pilfered from conquered lands.
    Monuments Men to the rescue!
    To combat the rape of Europe’s culture, art historian Frank Stokes (George Clooney: Gravity) appeals to President Franklin D. Roosevelt. Tasked with rescuing and returning the great works of Europe, the Monuments Men are a motley crew of old, fat and/or physically impaired art experts. After white-knuckling through basic training, they head to France post-D-Day, hot on the heels of the retreating Nazis.
    The stakes rise when they learn that if Germany falls or Hitler dies, the surviving Nazis will destroy every piece of art in their possession.
    This true story has amazing potential, but Monuments Men the movie has little follow through. Director Clooney fails to develop a cogent storyline. Eschewing the great historic drama of the true tale, he fabricates deaths and romances for the sake of comedy.
    For the real story, track down the superior documentary The Rape of Europa.
    Because Clooney gives little time to his characters, we don’t invest in their stories. Characters build friendships, fall in love and die in jump-cut scenes, and we don’t much care. To drive home important points, Clooney cues the soundtrack, pulling out the bombastic stop.
    Saving the film from utter disaster is an all-star cast. Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett, John Goodman and Bob Balaban work overtime to wring every bit of drama and comedy from a weak script. The standout is Bill Murray, who creates the film’s one genuine emotional moment and steals every lighthearted scene he graces.
    If Clooney had trusted his cast to flesh out their characters, Monuments Men could have been a great film instead of an entertaining but shallow historic comedy.

Fair historic dramedy • PG-13 • 118 mins.

See this film and you’ll waste not only your money but 94 minutes of your life.

Once upon a time, two little pigs lived in New York City. Graphic designer Jason (Zac Efron: Parkland) creates outlandishly sexist covers for women’s books. Jason cultivates a roster of women and gels his hair straight up. Whenever a woman asks more from him than a few disappointing minutes, he cries Wee, Wee, Wee all the way home.
    His graphic partner is college buddy Daniel (Miles Teller: 21 & Over), who also enjoys chauvinist jokes and casual sex. Instead of hair gel, Daniel uses sarcasm to make him more attractive to women at bars.
    The two porcine pals are shocked when their buddy, doctor Mikey (Michael B. Jordan: Fruitvale Station) is dumped by a cheating wife. They drag their devastated friend to a bar.
    Unaware that he has the most disgusting friends in the world, Mikey pours his heart out to Daniel and Jason. The brain trust makes a bet: All will remain single. This of course means that all three men will meet irresistible girls in a matter of hours.
    Jason hooks up with a successful author who is creative and vivacious. We know that because she mixes thrift store coats with pricey designer dresses and doesn’t own a hairbrush. They roam the city together, reveling in how vapid and attractive they are. Daniel falls for his gal pal, who has apparently spent a large chunk of her 20s following him to bars and helping him trick women into sleeping with him. Mikey meets a girl with glasses, which is all we learn about her.
    Can these men make the leap to commitment? Can you stomach this movie without becoming violently ill?
    It’s rare to find a romantic comedy starring three people so vile that you hope they never find love, not out of any vindictive impulse but out of an altruistic desire to protect humanity’s gene pool from further contamination. Judd Apatow has proven that gross-out humor can be smart and hilarious. Here writer/director Tom Gormican made sure That Awkward Moment lived up to its name with his incompetent direction and insulting view of male friendship. You cringe for everyone listed in the credits.
    See this film and you’ll waste not only your money but 94 minutes of your life. Both Teller and Jordan have offered fantastic performances in the past year and have careers to watch. Jordan is barely in the movie, but his natural charisma makes a nothing part slightly more interesting. Teller does his best with Gormican’s ham-fisted dialog, but even he can’t land these dud punch lines.
    Efron, who’s in the spotlight, doesn’t have the skill to carry a good movie, let alone this abysmal flick.

Horrible romantic comedy • R • 94 mins.

Kevin Hart steals the show in this cop comedy

Ben Barber (Kevin Hart: Grudge Match) is a tough, well-respected soldier nicknamed the Black Hammer — in virtual reality. In real life, Ben is a school security officer with a loud mouth and a big heart. He spends his day breaking up petty teenage fights, mentoring kids and dreaming of becoming a real cop.
    But Ben is a man with a plan: He’s been accepted to the police academy and plans to propose to his girlfriend Angela (Tika Sumpter: A Madea Christmas). Blocking the way is Angela’s domineering older brother James (Ice Cube: 21 Jump Street), already a real cop.
    Ride along with me for a day, says James, to prove yourself as a man and a cop. Ben leaps in like a puppy, but James is setting him up for failure, sending him to confront a biker gang, a violent drunk and a mouthy kid.
    But a real case gets in the way, forcing a real team effort.
    Filled with silly gags and dubious plotting, Ride Along isn’t a great work of filmmaking. It is, however, a fantastically funny piece of cinematic fluff, thanks in large part to a great leading performance by comedian Hart. Director Tim Story (Think Like a Man) sets up a few interesting action pieces, but he’s smart enough to know that this film is Hart’s show.
    Hart’s fish-out-of-water routine works well as he fumbles through dangerous scenarios and bizarre situations. In a performance worthy of Lou Costello, Hart makes Ben a man in flux. He’s capable of bravery and cowardice, easily transitioning from hysterics to calm competence.
    As the Abbott to Hart’s Costello, Cube has an easier job. He snarls through the movie, playing the straight man with a tough veneer. Ice Cube has never been noted for his acting skills, but he is a decent foil to Hart.
    Ride Along is a rare modern comedy, deriving its humor from traditional slapstick rather than the gross-out humor that’s put Sandler and Apatow on the map. While it’s still not droll drawing room humor, it’s a nice change in tone.

Good Comedy • PG-13 • 99 mins.