The Sitter

Stay home with the kids instead of seeing this waste of celluloid

Jonah Hill stars as Noah Jaybird in The Sitter.

The Sitter is the kind of movie reviewers hate: It’s so tedious, lazy and humorless that it’s nearly impossible to mock.
    Nearly.
    In the last of his pre-weight-loss movies, Jonah Hill (Moneyball) plays Noah, a college dropout content to live off his barely-getting-by mother. He’s in a fake relationship with Marisa (Ari Graynor: Ten Year), who’s so obsessed with her ex that she uses Noah like a pudgy sex toy. Noah volunteers to babysit his mother’s friends’ children so his mother can have a rare night out.
    At home, Noah meets his charges for the night. Blithe (Landry Bender) is a mini-Paris Hilton, complete with too much mascara and a that’s-hot attitude. Slater (Max Records: Where the Wild Things Are), is a fussy teen who pops anti-anxiety medication and is not-so-secretly gay. Rodrigo (Kevin Hernandez: Expecting a Miracle) is a hot-headed adopted Latino who likes to play with explosives.
    While Noah is on the couch paying no attention to the kids, his girlfriend calls to asks him to pick up some coke for a party she’s attending. She does not mean a refreshing carbonated beverage.
    So Noah loads kids into the mini-van and heads for New York to meet with Marisa’s drug dealer, Karl.
    Field trip!
    Karl (Sam Rockwell: Cowboys & Aliens) sells coke out of his gym. He also happens to be gay. How do we know? Because he dances around bondage-clad, beefcake men, slapping asses and wielding guns. That’s funny because he’s gay.
    Karl also has a sassy black assistant, because this movie is a litany of offensive caricatures.
    The three little stereotypes mess up their babysitter’s drug deal, and Noah ends up owing Karl $10,000.
    First-time writers Brian Gatewood and Allesandro Tanaka seem happy to throw out clichés and hope for the best. White girls are slutty victims who hope for a good man. Black people are sassy and gangsta, yo! Gay men are prissy, lisping, leather-loving overly emotional punchlines, don’t you know! And those whacky Latinos are so hotheaded they blow stuff up all the time.
    Are you laughing yet? Neither was anyone in the audience.
    This is the part of the review where I usually mention redeeming qualities, so let me say that the movie is mercifully short — though if felt like a three-hour epic — and the popcorn was fresh and delicious.

Horrendous Comedy • R • 81 mins.