Vol. 8, No. 11
March 16-22, 2000
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Ten Ways You Know Spring’s Just Around the Corner

10. A police officer arrives at your door to give you a ticket for your loud forsythia.

9. You shriek at the puffy albino creature sneaking around your bedroom and realize you’re looking in the mirror.

8. You see a sign in your office declaring that memos and any official papers are prohibited from the copy machine to make room for NCAA basketball pairings and tax returns.

7. You start administering CPR on your blue neighbor and then realize he’s just been painting the bottom of his boat.

6. You stop paying attention to presidential politics when it dawns on you that any candidate who made sense was beaten into kitty litter by the establishment.

5. You wake up and run outdoors singing to greet the beautiful morning and realize that you’ve forgotten to put on your pants.

4. Your 30-year-old son living with you declares at the breakfast table that he’s finally decided on a career — as the Easter Bunny.

3. You finally clean out your car and find seven coffee cups, $1.11 in change and a piece of holiday fruit cake that looks like a small hairy monkey.

2. You try on your swimsuit and discover that your rear end has become the size of Calvert County. (Blame “closet shrinkage,” the sinister bedroom virus that often infects articles of clothing.)

1. Finally, you really know that spring’s just around the corner when you notice that Senate President Mike Miller has dyed his hair surfer blond.

Copyright 2000
Bay Weekly