Vol. 8, No. 48
Nov. 30-Dec. 6, 2000
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Ten Things To Do During the Election That Wouldn’t End

10. Call the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue people. Tell 'em to hold up delivery of your $91,100 Aquatic Pod Suite "that offers panoramic views simultaneously above and below the surface of the water," until you're sure that your Republican Tax Cut is on the way.

9. Call Anne Arundel Community College to see if they might have a part-time instructor's position next semester for a former vice president who lacks communication skills.

8. Don't take your clues from what happened after the 1876 presidential election, when Democrat Sam Tilden won the popular vote but lost to Rutherford Hayes by one electoral vote thanks to Republican shenanigans in Florida and a couple other states. (OK, we'll tell you anyway: Democrats got so angry that they formed Minute-Men "clubs" and armed themselves to the teeth.)

7. Send Bob Marley's CD Lively Up Yourself to Dick Cheney while he convalesces.

6. Round up a few dozen CNN and MSNBC newsfolk, put 'em on a flatbed truck and send 'em out for a six-month sabbatical working on corporate hog farms in Kansas.

5. Contribute your Republican Tax Cut to the "Give Florida Back to Fidel" fund.

4. Send Al Gore a copy of Gabriel Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude to help him prepare for his future. For it's possible that quite shortly, no one will want to get near him for a long, long time.

3. Find Ralph Nader a woman to keep him out of mischief. (How about that painted diva of Florida politics, Secretary of State Katharine Harris?)

2. Cast a soulful gaze at those woods across the road and the shoreline of Chesapeake Bay. After a few years of Dubya's "voluntary compliance" environmental enforcement, things might start looking a bit different in your neighborhood.

1. Call Austin. Ask 'em to send along your Republican Tax Cut a little early so that you can have it for the holidays.

Copyright 2000
Bay Weekly