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Predictions for 2004
Dear Bay Weekly:
On the Maryland Crab front: Instead of mad cow disease in Maryland, mad crab disease will be discovered and will be what finally saves the crab fishery because everyone will be afraid to eat crabs. Later, well discover that it was a wild-goose story cooked up by radical watermen in league with the Severn River Association.
Howard Dean will be elected president: So I strongly advise Democrats to get ahead of the crowd and buy up the futures market on maple syrup and Ben and Jerrys ice cream. Ellen Moyer, mayor of Annapolis, joins me in recommending that people should be seen walking around Annapolis this summer in Vermont-type ski hats to get on Deans good side.
Gov. Robert Ehrlich will issue a new state dictionary that does not have the word tax in it and instead lists a whole series of other words, like fees, levies, mandatory contributions, surcharges, revenue enhancements, major gottchas, minor gottchas, plain and chocolate-sprinkled gottchas.
Slot-machine legislation will be killed in the General Assembly once again, and House Speaker Michael Busch will include hundreds of them as silent auction items in a huge fundraiser. High schools will sponsor contests for the most innovative uses of the useless slot machines hidden in the cellars of taverns and some homes throughout Anne Arundel County.
The winner will be a boy in Eastport who disguises slot machines as mute swans and sells them for target practice for Sen. John Astle and the Sportsmens Coalition. The second-place award goes to a man in Glen Burnie, who makes them into art deco fish tanks. Third places goes to the Exxon Corporation, which said it would put them in service station bathrooms as complimentary unsalted peanut dispensers. As a result of all this, Senate president Mike Miller announces he will resign from the Senate and enter the priesthood.
2004 Hurricane: Hurricane Isabel will look like a piker compared to the 2004 hurricane, named Hurricane William Donald Schaefer, which will bury the State House in four million tons of Eastern Shore chicken manure. In a fit of revenge, the legislature will shut down the Bay Bridge and give the Eastern Shore to Delaware.
Dick DAmato, Annapolis
Department of Corrections
In Why Herons Do Tai Chi, the feature story in Vol. XII, No. 1 (January 2), the yoga instructor who credits Pilates with helping her manage fibromyalgia was misnamed. It is Amy Currier of Chesapeake Yoga Center.
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