A Surplus of Fun

A recent report informed overtaxed Marylanders that a $320 million "windfall" had been discovered, on top of the $274 million surplus already spent by the General Assembly. We're curious where that type of loose change can be found. In a drawer? At the bottom of the state washing machine?

Before the dough disappears, we have some ideas how to spend it. We invite your suggestions by phone or e-mail.

10. Buy every household a hot tub and find all lonely people a partner with whom to get into hot water.

9. On Dec. 31, 1999, build a fence around downtown Annapolis and throw the wildest, most lavish blowout in history and, borrowing a line from Randy Newman's song about Huey Long: "Invite the whole northern half of the state down there for free."

8. Invest in income-producing Internet stocks so that Marylanders choosing to do so can retire at 40 to pursue "water sports and the arts."

7. Establish a 24-hour EAFF account (Easy Access for Fishermen and their Friends) with ATM machines on channel markers in the Chesapeake Bay.

6. In a Cash-for-Trash program, clean up every square inch of Maryland by offering $1 for each old can, bottle and old campaign poster with Ellen Sauerbrey's mug.

5. Buy Gov. Glendening a supply of Jerry Garcia ties to replace that boring striped number he always wears.

4. Put a glass dome over Chesapeake Country to protect us from global warming and let us grow avocados.

3. Construct a massive, floating Monkey Jungle at City Dock, to which we will import hundreds of primate pals that we will train to fling banana mush balls at parading vice boats in Ego Alley.

2. Divide the money between newspapers "to help promote the quality of people's lives."

1. Buy the Parole shopping center to block the arrival of Wal-Mart.

| Issue 36 |

Volume VII Number 36
September 9-15, 1999
New Bay Times

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