I'm Grateful No Road's Likely to be Named After Me
by Pat Piper
Unless you have been on Pluto for the past few years, you know that the Wilson Bridge is a traffic problem. And if Woodrow Wilson knew some genius approved building a six-lane bridge across the Potomac River to handle an eight-lane Interstate highway, he'd say "Hey, thanks but let's name this one for Hitler."
I've got nothing against Woodrow Wilson, but I keep using all these personal-sounding adjectives when I say his name. And I never even met the guy.
Naming places after people is the way society says thank you, and it's an idea that just doesn't work. Nobody said "thank you, Mr. Wilson" when they finally got across his miserable bridge this morning. Instead, they said other things to Mr. Wilson, which is why, if we really appreciate his work as the 28th president, we ought to just build a memorial in a quiet park somewhere. Hey, it works for Lincoln and Jefferson and Washington.
All the Ronald Reagan fans in Congress voted to name that horrible airport after him as a way to honor the work he did as president. And how many of these clowns have said "Gee, I sure enjoy sitting here at Reagan National Airport waiting for my plane to board 17 hours late. Thank you, Mr. President. When I think of you I have only good thoughts"?
That's right. It doesn't happen -- at least at the airport. Instead, Ronald Reagan gets all the adjectives people say waiting in the five-mile backup at the wonderful bridge named for another respected president.
And while we are on the subject of thankfulness, who was the idiot that decided to build an electronic traffic advisory board over Interstate 95 southbound before the Wilson Bridge that says "Delays Continue into Virginia. Stay Alert"? The idea is a good one, but most of us have already sat in traffic for 20 minutes before getting to the stupid sign. Makes me wonder how many fools look at it and say to themselves, "Gee, I better take it easy here."
Attention Governor Glendening: Forget the traffic reports and sell the space to Bell Atlantic-Giant Food-Bayer and use the revenue to build the railroad that used to run out of Chesapeake Beach to Washington, D.C. Or sell it to George W. Bush; he's got the cash.
And then there's St. Barnabas. He got a road named after him, which, I'm sure as he sits in heaven every morning watching this mess, must make him wonder how he can be the patron saint of peacemakers (it's a fact) and also be the site of the biggest traffic jam in America.
Since the governors of Virginia and Maryland have vowed to improve traffic on the Beltway, we know this means it will be getting even worse. The line of cars usually stopped at St. Barnabas Road to cross the Wilson Bridge is going to stretch back to New Hampshire (the state, not the road).
By the way, does Quaddafi Road do anything for anyone? OJ? Kathie Lee?
Piper gives thanks from Rosehaven for seldom having to cross the Wilson Bridge.
| Issue 47 |
Volume VII Number 47
November 24-December 1, 1999
New Bay Times
| Homepage |
| Back to Archives |