Adventures on the Home Front
by Allen Delaney
Its summer, and that means its time to pawn the heirlooms, take out a second mortgage and go on vacation. Thousands of Americans will fill their gas tanks, roll onto major highways and come to a complete stop because everyone else had the same idea. For the next four hours and 20 miles, youll exchange pleasantries with your fellow drivers by hand signals, usually involving a particular digit, because everyone on the road, except you, is an idiot. This is why Im opting to have an exciting vacation within the confines of my property.
The first adventure on my list is Wild Attic Safari. I must locate the secret door that exposes a rickety ladder that will aid my assent to a hot, dark and dusty world filled with ancient relics hidden in square brown containers. These treasures will be confiscated and taken to an outdoor bazaar where they will be traded for green slips of paper and round metal tokens. But getting the bounty will not be easy, for there are many obstacles to overcome. There are long, white, electric snakes crisscrossing the trail, lying in wait to trip a careless explorer, and overhead are small spikes designed to perforate an unwary scalp. Walking is difficult, for the path is covered in a yellow, puffy material that hides the wooden footholds. One wrong step would send me on an accelerated vertical journey to Living Room Land one floor below.
If I survive the safari, my next trip will be to climb Mount Garage. After establishing base camp in the driveway, I plan on ascending the east side of the Ping Pong Table, then scaling the storage shelf northward, being ever watchful for falling pickle jars. Upon reaching the summit, I will rappel onto the tool bench and inch my way over a mass of rusted bicycles and decaying boxes as I head southward toward an open patch of concrete next to the water heater. It is there that I hope to begin excavation of Mount Garage in order to regain some level ground. With my Sherpas assistance, I will move small pieces of the mountain down to the base camp, where it will be carted away by large, noisy vehicles that arrive each Tuesday morning. Since the North American Sherpas, also referred to as children, are not very reliable, I may have to add a couple of days to my trip.
Once the mountain is conquered, Ill exit my back door and be off to Jungle Adventure. I will blaze a trail through rugged terrain overrun with tall, thick grasses and prickly undergrowth. I will hack a path through an inhospitable landscape all the while mindful of the hidden dangers planted by the Kidswhodontputthingsaway Tribe. This is a small tribe but effective at booby trapping their habitat with garden implements, baseballs and Frisbees. What method of transport should I use for this journey? A horse? An elephant? No, I think Ill ride a Deere.
Before embarking on such a strenuous vacation, one must get proper rest. For that, Ill be heading for my favorite amusement ride, The Hammock. This ride, located under a large shade tree, gently sways back and forth, readying its rider for the upcoming escapades. The deep mental preparation crucial before embarking on perilous journeys is often manifested by loud snoring. If the beverage stand, or cooler, is located within arms reach of The Hammock, it may be days before the would-be adventurer is ready for the challenges that lie ahead. In fact, The Hammock is so addictive that these adventures may just have to wait for my next vacation or at least until my wife gets home.