Having That Difficult Talk
Have you thought about how you are going to have that difficult talk with your aging parents?
The talk reminded me of talking to teen-aged children about sex, drugs and bad friends. So I delayed having that talk with my 80-year-old father.
Dad was living by himself after the loss of his wife, my mother. The family assumed that he was doing well. For the most part, he did well caring for himself. Then the day came.
He was visiting at our house. As he drove off in his car, I followed him to get gas for my vehicle. As he drove down our country road, he made several turns that were not the way he normally drove home. This piqued my attention, so I followed him. As we drove, I realized he couldn’t remember his way home. This was our first indication that he was experiencing memory loss.
As a clinical social worker with a specialization in gerontology and many years of professional experience, I should have easily picked up on his memory loss. I did not.
Besides talking with my three siblings — all displeased and angry with me for even daring to mention the dementia word — I had to ask the big question: Is Dad safe living by himself. Eventually, medical doctors and scans revealed he had vascular dementia. In time, he needed additional in-home care and finally assisted living services.
What was most difficult for me is that none of us picked up on his decline. We did not have a conversation about what if you need …
Most of us do not plan for the future. Usually, we react to events and circumstances as they occur.
I recommend that you have the talk with your parents, before they become impaired physically, emotionally or in memory. Have the talk before you are forced to.
Planning The Talk
Plan and write down what you are going to discuss. Here’s a sample to help you get started:
Mom — or Dad — have you thought about what you would do if you became sick and required help?
Do you think it is important to remain in your home as you get older? There are options: in-home care services, nursing homes, assisted living, short-term rehabilitation centers.
What would you want me to do if you required home care to go back to your home? Who would help you if you needed assistance with cooking meals, housecleaning, bathing or medications?
What are your thoughts? I want to do the best for you, but I need your help in letting me know your wishes.